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Fic: Observations
Star Trek
Title: Observations
Author: jAnon
Pairings: Kirk/Spock
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I have not profited monetarily from this venture, nor do I claim original ownership of the characters and setting.
Summary: First Officer Spock comments on life aboard the Enterprise and his service under Captain James T. Kirk.

Many thanks to the_moonmoth for proofreading and comments.

Note: I've arranged the timestamps on these entries such that if you simply click LJ's "Next Entry" button, it will take you to the next chapter. You don't have to keep clicking back and forth to this main page.

I've added annotations to certain chapters. These notes are meant to clarify anything that readers tell me is too obscure, give translations for all the foreign languages that I use, denote any cultural references, and attempt to explain all the math I use in the piece. I try to post annotations along with new chapters, but unfortunately, there has always been a lag between them.

Chapter 1
- Serving under Captain James Tiberius Kirk will be a markedly different experience.
Chapter 2 - Dr. McCoy exhibits signs of deep xenophobia.
Chapter 3 - As is our habit, Nyota accompanied me to my quarters.

The Captain and the Enterprise
Chapter 4 - Captain Kirk seems incapable of being "typical in any respect.
Chapter 5 - The duties of First Officer
Chapter 6 - One's efforts to avoid an individual are useless if that individual actively seeks one out.
Chapter 7 - Canutas
Chapter 8 - Heri kufa macho kuliko kufa moyo.
Chapter 9 - The captain has been plotting.
Chapter 10 - Report
Chapter 11 - A place
Chapter 12 - The captain and I have maintained cordial relations.

Where No One Has Gone Before
Chapter 13 - "Where No Man Has Gone Before"
Chapter 14 - Jina jema hungara gizani
Chapter 15 - "The Naked Time"
Chapter 16 - So.  Our first diplomatic mission.  What do I need to know?
Chapter 17 - Diplomacy, cont.
Chapter 18 - To build a mathematics
Chapter 19 - Jazz

The Enemy Within
Chapter 20 - "The Enemy Within"
Chapter 21 - Did something happen between you two?
Chapter 22 - Chess and boxing
Chapter 23 - The crew
Chapter 24 - Tsimtseng
Chapter 25 - Thirteen hours
Chapter 26 - Six months
Chapter 27 - Your concern is appreciated, captain.
Chapter 28 - The medical records of James T. Kirk

The Taxidermist
Chapter 29 - Lt. Mmeril commed for both myself and Dr. McCoy
Chapter 30 - Taxidermy
Chapter 31 - Spare parts
Chapter 32 - Inhale
Chapter 33 - Quantum quad processors
Chapter 34 - Ndugu
Chapter 35 - Life aboard the Enterprise has resumed its normal pace.

Tarsus IV
Chapter 36 - The captain has decided to divert our course three lightyears to orbit Planet Q.
Chapter 37 - Distraction
Chapter 38 - Ruth 1:16-17
Chapter 39 - Hamlet soliloquy

Chapter 40 - Opera
Chapter 41 - The captain has been bored
Chapter 42 - Моя цыганская-- Павель Андреевич Чехов
Chapter 43 - "Shore Leave"
Chapter 44 - I would kill for the captain.
Chapter 45 - Do not go gentle into that good night-- Dr. Leonard McCoy
Chapter 46 - Leisure

The Balance of Terror
Chapter 47 - The outposts on Asteroids Two, Three, and Eight are not responding, sir.
Chapter 48 - We are stalemated.
Chapter 49 - A signal, Commander!
Chapter 50 - InterGQ gets an EXCLUSIVE interview with Captain James T. Kirk!

Chapter 51 - You know my name?
Chapter 52 - The duties of Captain
Chapter 53 - "I am sorry."
Chapter 54 - An apology
Chapter 55 - Kirk-force

The Most Dangerous Game
Chapter 56 - Day 1/Day 3
Chapter 57 - El Cazador
Chapter 58 - Day 2/Day 3

Chapter 59 - The Teknosapiens
Chapter 60 - Communicators
Chapter 61 - Eating
Chapter 62 - Drinking
Chapter 63 - Eulogy

The Squire of Gothos
Chapter 64 - This universe is different in ways we had no anticipated.  Ask, and we shall answer.
Chapter 65 - Were we happy?
Chapter 66 - It is a song.  and that is all that is needing.

Chapter 67 - Martial arts
Chapter 68 - Chess boxing
Chapter 69 - Steady as she goes.
Chapter 70 - Founded on principle, cemented by time.
Chapter 71 - Ready Lt. Uhura?
Chapter 72 - First Contact

Chapter 73 - Life
Chapter 74 - "Operation--Annihilate!"
Chapter 75 - Light the burning blinding
Chapter 76 - Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
Chapter 77 - Five bullets

Chapter 78 - I am lying on a biobed for the fifteenth time in a 140 hour period.
Chapter 79 - Christine Chapel
Chapter 80 - Vulcans heal in isolation.
Chapter 81 - Sulu, Chekov, Scotty
Chapter 82 - I would choose to be deaf.
Chapter 83 - Sight
Chapter 84 - I am half human

Chapter 85 - The First Annual DS5Mi Talent Show
Chapter 86 - Stardust spinning around a newly formed sun.

The City on the Edge of Forever
Chapter 87 - The Enterprise shudders.
Chapter 88 - We are living in a legend.
Chapter 89 - It is cold.
Chapter 90 - Edith Keeler
Chapter 91 - Life in this city is not what I expected it to be.
Chapter 92 - Cooking
Chapter 93 - Kandinsky
Chapter 94 - Since Jim and I have begun to work at the restaurant, sales have risen by a considerable percentage.
Chapter 95 - The train
Chapter 96 - Complications
Chapter 97 - Two trees
Chapter 98 - I coughed.  Jim looked up at me from his work.
Chapter 99 - Edith Keeler.
Chapter 100 - Whatever you choose, captain, I will stand by you.
Chapter 101 - We were successful.

War and Diplomacy
Chapter 102 - "Arena"
Chapter 103 - War
Chapter 104 - Nyota and Sulu
Chapter 105 - Ecir
Chapter 106 - Diplomacy
Chapter 107 - Tell me about the City on the Edge of Forever.
Chapter 108 - "An Errand of Mercy"
Chapter 109 - Torture
Chapter 110 - Indifference and war lust, war and diplomacy
Chapter 111 - Interview with Lehrer Gaestel
Chapter 112 - What will they remember of the man?

Chapter 113 - Hearts
Chapter 114 - Fuck diplomacy
Chapter 115 - First Contact
Chapter 116 - Jim and I stand opposite each other on the transporter pad.
Chapter 117 - Bushfire
Chapter 118 - The duties between us

Shore Leave
Chapter 119 - Ожидание
Chapter 120 - So, shore leave.  Does that count as private life or public life?
Chapter 121 - The lake house
Chapter 122 - First date
Chapter 123 - К сожаленью, день рождения / Только раз в году

Chapter 124 - A side of reality
Chapter 125 - Kirk, what's this I've been hearing all over the nets about you being gay.
Chapter 126 - The space between us
Chapter 127 - A doctor's frustration
Chapter 128 - Xenophobia
Chapter 129 - The things between us
Chapter 130 - I wait for Jim in his quarters.
Chapter 131 - Inequality

To Know Another
Chapter 132 - Earth, my likeness
Chapter 133 - "What are Little Girls Made Of?"
Chapter 134 - There are no problems here, sir.
Chapter 135 - Report (relevant notes).  Final copy due by 0530.
Chapter 136 - Shouldn't I have known?
Chapter 137 - For the past three shifts, I have been minimizing contact with the captain.
Chapter 138 - Or maybe I should repeat that.
Chapter 139 - A doctor's friendship
Chapter 140 - Desire and Logic
Chapter 141 - Into the west
Chapter 142 - Not sewenteen.

Actual Sex and Sexual Acts
Chapter 143 - Sexual acts
Chapter 144 - Slow, close, --intimate.
Chapter 145 - By Bernstein Sanger and Dana Woodward
Chapter 146 - Reassigned
Chapter 147 - What are your intentions towards Nyota?
Chapter 148 - Actual sex
Chapter 149 - Jim is sleeping.
Chapter 150 - Cultural misunderstandings
Chapter 151 - Verex III
Chapter 152 - Are you satisfied with your relationship with Engineer Scott?
Chapter 153 - Сигаретки
Chapter 154 - I used to smoke.
Chapter 155 - You suck at giving head.  No pun intended.

The Doomsday Machine
Chapter 156 - The distress call definitely came from one of the solar systems in this sector.
Chapter 157 - Red alert.
Chapter 158 - Spock, data?

Chapter 159 - Undone
Chapter 160 - Death and --.
Chapter 161 - First Contact, reprise
Chapter 162 - "I'm sorry."
Chapter 163 - A doctor's words.
Chapter 164 - I would live for the captain.
Chapter 165 - A fight
Chapter 166 - A compromise
Chapter 167 - Kinetic poetry

Chapter 168 - Metamorphosis
Chapter 169 - Two shirts

Chapter 170 - Second Officers
Chapter 171 - Nyota: Dagazocito and diplomacy
Chapter 172 - The best ideas
Chapter 173 - I put my hands to his shoulders and began rubbing slow circles into his tense muscles.
Chapter 174 - Sulu: The Ark Mission
Chapter 175 - Negotiation
Chapter 176 - Avenues of investigation
Chapter 177 - She will be a fearless captain.
Chapter 178 - Vector spaces
Chapter 179 - A mind meld
Chapter 180 - Scotty's domain
Chapter 181 - Unloading the ark
Chapter 182 - Shielding
Chapter 183 - A nonexistent refractory period
Chapter 184 - I congratulate you, Lt. Sulu.

Chapter 185 - The Second Annual DS5Mi Talent Show
Chapter 186 - Bad Romance
Chapter 187 - A doctor's limits

The Trouble with Tribbles
Chapter 188 - Welcome to K7
Chapter 189 - Casino Royale
Chapter 190 - Dinner
Chapter 191 - Fame
Chapter 192 - Tribbles and Chekov
Chapter 193 - The honor of the Enterprise
Chapter 194 - A nurse's skill
Chapter 195 - Mahler's Second Symphony

Wolf in the Fold
Chapter 196 - Argelius
Chapter 197 - Surety and seeing
Chapter 198 - Shit
Chapter 199 - Show trials
Chapter 200 - Subconscious terrorism
Chapter 201 - Madness in laughter
Chapter 202 - My hands are not shaking.
Chapter 203 - Engineers and soldiers
Chapter 204 - Desensitized
Chapter 205 - Relief

Chapter 206 - Definition to ecstasy
Chapter 207 - Monty Python's Flying Circus
Chapter 208 - I was thinking the other day about bonding.
Chapter 209 - Home

Plato's Bastards
Chapter 210 - Odysseus and the Republic
Chapter 211 - Speak in rhymes, know in riddles, and riddling in pantomime

Chapter 212 - Ialla'akhlla
Chapter 213 - C7 incomplete spinal cord injury
Chapter 214 - Room to heal
Chapter 215 - Do what you love, love what you do

That Which Survives
Chapter 216 - You've got to be shitting me.
Chapter 217 - A separation
Chapter 218 - Hurt
Chapter 219 - It has begun.
Chapter 220 - Unsung song
Chapter 221 - Damning silence
Chapter 222 - Fight fuck
Chapter 223 - We fight after every shift.
Chapter 224 - Trust
Chapter 225 - Exhaustion
Chapter 226 - The Games
Chapter 227 - Promise me
Chapter 228 - Half brothers
Chapter 229 - Something must have survived
Chapter 230 - Breathe
Chapter 231 - Vulcan
Chapter 232 - Breathe
Chapter 233 - Something must have survived
Chapter 234 - Memory
Chapter 235 - Why regret

Chapter 236
Chapter 237 - Object
Chapter 238 - Coercion
Chapter 239 - Survive
Chapter 240 - Shattered
Chapter 241 - Compromised
Chapter 242 - There is no safe place.
Chapter 243 - Time
Chapter 244 - Serving under Captain James Tiberius Kirk was a mistake.
Chapter 245 - Forget
Chapter 246 - Exhausted
Chapter 247 - The mad girl's corpse.
Chapter 248 - Ndugu
Chapter 249 - Control
Chapter 250 - Why
Chapter 251 - Resignation
Chapter 252 - Remember
Chapter 253 - Remember
Chapter 254 - Music
Chapter 255 - A fight, a fire, a sorrow, a struggle.

Chapter 256 - Time Passes

The End
Chapter 257 - Simple feeling
Chapter 258 - T'hy'la
Chapter 259 - Ruth 1:16-17
Chapter 260 - Married life
Chapter 261 - All good things must come to an end.
Chapter 262 - Serving under Commodore James Tiberius Kirk will be a markedly different experience.

Author's Endnote

Woohoo! I'm incredibly impressed that you managed to post it all in one go. It gives me an excuse to re-read from the beginning. Yay, and thank you.

squeee!! will you also be putting annotations up on lj? i haven't been able to find time to crack into it yet, i found observations on ff two nights ago and swallowed it up in hours, and then, you know, needed sleep and all. i think i previously avoided your pimpage on the kink meme simply because it was ff.net.

ok, so, proper feedback, since i didn't on ff: i really really really enjoy this. i think my favorite kind of fic format, since it's so rare, is the moments-in-the-life-of, where it's all-encompassing and continues beyond a couple of entries and builds a whole story instead of being a one-shot, and i really enjoyed being able to feel that all of their relationships take time, from kirk and spock's starfleet manual argument to, well, chapter 115, and even from mccoy's, "wait, you think he's xenophobic?" to spock seeing him as a nice guy to hang around with (though i wish i saw more from that aspect).

and also, THANK YOU for not making spock this lonely outcast after he breaks up with nyota and kirk is the only guy who talks to him in the entire ship, it is my main pet peeve with other fics. he's a genius surrounded by geniuses, of course he and chekov and scotty get together for math-jam sessions. it's logical.

and the relationship between spock and kirk is lovely and so ust-filled i thought i was going to tear my hair out when i saw just how many chapters there were and wondering when they were going to figure it out. i think my favorite bit so far though, is where spock's literally blind and mccoy says something along the lines of, "well, if that isn't the definition of irony." i think i like it because i got the joke and felt proud of myself, but hey, i was also getting really deep into sleep deprivation.

There will be more Bones & Spock outtakes soon. It's necessary, and the reason will be evident in the future. Everything from the 'City' arc to now has been extremely K/S centric, laying down a deeper foundation for their relationship. Now that's done, I can afford to focus a bit more on the crew. I personally also dislike it when a fiction focuses purely on K/S and puts the other crew as a sort of chorus, rather than characters in their own right. Writing from first person makes that hard to accomplish, because that implies that the narrator has an actual relationship with other characters. Thankfully, though the point of view is strict, the format is extremely flexible.

I'm glad you liked the format as well. I know that at times it's disjointed, but I hope that by the end, the internal structure of it is evident. When this piece is finished (...that day needs to be soon. This fiction is driving me crazy), I hope you reread from start to finish to see both the individual moments and its context in the larger continuum.

Thanks so much for your comment, and I will put annotations up... that's also a work in progress right now.

Woot! I've seen you post about this when it was on ff but i've been resisting it (for no reason other than i'm not keen on ff and at that point it was unfinished and I've had to make a new rule about not starting any more wips...)

Now off to read this monster - 115 chapters, whoa that's a lot!

Will return with an actual comment on the story - somewhere.

Sorry, but it's not finished, even after 115 chapters. I don't know how long it's going to be, but it's actually far from finished. I'm sorry if I've mislead you in any way...

But please don't let that prevent you from reading. I'd love to hear feedback, and I promise you that I will finish this story. It's something that I need to do-- I think the reason will be evident in the end. Just to you give you some more reassurances, I have everything carefully plotted and the ending already in mind.

Thank you for your comment.

I only discovered Observations about a week ago and at first I was a bit wary of reading it since it's such a massive WIP, but I'm really glad I was unable to resist the temptation because this story is EXTRAORDINARY. I just caught up with your last updates this week-end and I have loved every second I have spent reading this. I'm delighted that you decided to post the whole thing on lj too, since I tend to just lurk on ff.net (I mostly lurk on lj too, but this story is too good to not comment on!)

I really, really love the deliciously slow-building K/S as well as the character development more generally speaking, the careful plotting (especially your very clever TOS rewrites!) and just how intelligent your writing is all around. As much as I adore your take on K/S, the best thing about this fic is the way you're using actual science and maths in the story (I'm not sure I understand all of it, but it's still awesome!) and above all how you're constantly including reflections on and references to history, literature, art and linguistics. Also, the annotations! You have no idea how much I love the annotations!

Thanks for writing and sharing and putting it all up on lj!

Thank you! I hope I can keep the quality from flagging. Also, I'm very glad to hear that you enjoy the mathematics/science/history/literature/art/linguistics sections. For me, those are just as important as the the growing relationships between Spock and all the crewmembers of the Enterprise.

I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up on 'Annotations,' but this monster fiction kind of takes up all my time. By the time I'm done writing chapters, I don't have that much energy to write annotations, at least not lately. If there's anything that's unclear, please comment on it and I'll add annotations.

You know what's awesome about being home with the flu and other nasty chest infections?

I get to cuddle up on my bed with soup, tea, a laptop and EPIC FIC.

This is amazing. Seriously - the slow progression of Spock's pov from "More Vulcan than Thou" to "I just got sexed up by Kirk." I adored how he goes from stiff, formal language to slyly humorous/affectionate/EMOTIONAL.

I was so mad I hit ch 115: I wanted more. You're brilliant and I can't wait to read the next bit.

...(I am sort of cringing). You're another one of those people who wishes this fiction would go on forever... it may as well, given the number of chapters I need to write to get to the end. But it will end, make no mistake about that. For various reasons, I really need to complete this, not write an infinite number of chapters.

In any case, thanks very much for commenting and I hope you feel better soon.

Wow. I just blitzed through this entire epic fic, and it is a veritable tour de force. There were so many moments when the power of your writing made my heart soar or drop, or brought tears to my eyes, made me laugh out loud, or made me pause and drift off into contemplation.

I love the snippets you draw into the story from everywhere (math and physics, Shakespeare and various poets, TOS and reboot nods, historical anecdotes). It gives such life to the characters and to the world. The repetition of themes and thoughts over chapters/time and their slow changes is a thing of exquisite beauty. Your love song to 21st century New York was breathtaking. I don't think I'll ever look at ginko trees the same way after this.

Really, there are so many things I love about this story, and the way you are telling it. Thank you for posting all this, and I highly anticipate more whenever you get around to it.

I am excited to have it all in one place, now I can read it and not feel I've missed a chapter! Thank you, I'll comment more later.

I just finished reading this over the course of the last few days, and I'm trying to think of something that would adequately express how much I enjoyed this. I don't have anything thoughtful to add, but there were several elements that I greatly appreciated.

First off, this fic makes me think a lot. It's really not a romantic story, although I think a lot of is about relationships, and how Spock is coming to define himself through these relationships. I like how everyone is maturing, and how Spock is changing himself. The characters don't feel static, but organic. It makes me think a lot about the reality that Spock lives in; and I appreciate all the annotations where you talk about where you're coming from, and what inspired certain elements. I don't understand Math and Science all that well, and Chekov makes my eyes glaze over, but I do appreciate the depth. This isn't an easy fic to read, and that's what makes it the more amazing. All of these elements you add, and make the reader think about, really give Spock (and the reader) a sense of time and place. I think a lot of fics (even the really great ones) skip over trying to anchor the reader in a world, as opposed to just making them feel connected with a character/pairing. Reading this, I feel immersed in the Trek Verse, and that's really awesome.

Second, I guess is the really slow build-up. I think a lot of moments would've been ruined if K/S had been together already - I'm thinking of the arc with "The City on the Edge of Forever" (which was amazing, by the way). It all feels like a natural progression, instead of something forced or acted on impulsively. I really enjoy the tension. Also, everyone seeing it but them made me smirk; and it was nice to see an accumulation of moments instead of one huge confession.

Third is probably all the side characters. I mean, I started reading the fic for K/S, but I love Chekov and Sulu. Oh - and I love Scotty/Uhura! It's nice to see that progress, too. Everyone hooks her up with Bones, but I always felt Scotty was more her type. I like seeing Chapel, and I like seeing Uhura and Spock have a deep and meaningful relationship. I'm not a big Nu!Uhura fan, but I like her in this story. It makes me understand why Spock loves her.

I also like guessing all the TOS episodes that show up, and the way you're customizing them. It's refreshing. Oh! - and the spurts of humor are fantastic, too. "Kirk-force" is hilarious. I like this sort-of inside joke about acknowledging how strangely lucky Kirk and his crew are, especially when you're trying to rationalize everything. It feels like a wink to the reader, and that's cool.

The only downside to it all is that I'm getting this dark, foreboding feeling; which is unusual in Trek fic. I mean, Jim made his last wishes known, and gave Spock his computer codes (and hey, there's "Tholian Web", yeah?) Spock seems due to freak out over the potential K/S; and with the way Jim is acting, I wouldn't blame Spock if he did. (Their first date with Jim debating was horrible. I kind of wanted to throck Jim in the head and go, "YOU MORON." I hope their dates go a little better from now on.) Also, the Equality Arc just seems rife with trouble. I'm trying to decide if I should stock up on tissues and just expect the worst to come. I get why it's happening, and I understand your reasoning, but it's depressing. But like I keep saying, it's written really well, so that means I'm just going to cry... really well?

Anyway, this is all wonderful. And I do enjoy all of this, and appreciate all the effort you put into it. Thanks for writing it and sharing, and I look forward to reading more.

(Oh, and sorry for writing a novel-length comment. I should've tried commenting on the chapters, yeah?)

(Deleted comment)
Ch 126-130 are already up. They make up Part 2 of the 'Equality' arc. Part 3 is in the works, and will address the issue of society at large. The out of sync aspect of the homophobic chapters was in part intentional, in part not. I wanted it to be jarring, but I think it came out stronger than I intended. I debated changing the chapter completely, but I've decided against it. I'm trying to use that effect, and hopefully in the context of the whole arc, things are more resolved.

Handling the sexual curiosity bits was tricky. I wrote them in and wasn't sure I'd use them, but I decided to go for it. This stage in their relationship is so confusing (for both of them) and hard to write. I hope I'm conveying as I envision it, though. And all of this will pay off-- I've thought a lot about how their relationship should proceed.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Hi, I've been hearing a lot of good things about your story and I was curious if you had it posted at fanfiction.net or any of the efiction archives? Or if you had your story in a single file somewhere else?

Thank you for your time,

It's posted on ff.net, but I don't have it in a single file anywhere. I might post the entire file somewhere when it's completely finished.

My username on ff.net is jAnon.

I think you might be the first person whom I've encountered that prefers ff.net to LJ.

In any case, have fun reading. It's rather long.

This is an amazing story you have created.

Honestly what has impressed me most about this outstanding world you have created is both the subtlety and depth of your characterisation.
To tell you the truth you breathed a life into many of these characters I have not had the pleasure to experience before, you took them a step further and made them real. You gave these characters a kind of humanity...

Thank you for this outstanding read, its been an enjoyable last few days reading this in between work/commitments.
I did read that you have the project on hold for the moment while you contemplate where to take this. I hope you do decide to continue this.

All the best,

I found this during Thanksgiving and could not put it down. Finals have since prevented me from commenting, but... This is amazing. I cannot believe the depth you have pulled from these characters - characters who are already quite dynamic in their own right but have, I feel, been made even more so through your interpretation.

I cannot guess how taxing this is; though it is a labor of love (it has to be, you write so passionately), that probably does not diminish any sort of stress.

I agree with the comment above though: the story has no lagged. It is still amazing, even at the 130th chapter. I cannot wait for your next update. This is truly an accomplishment and simply wanted to express my appreciation, awe and thanks.


Best characterization of Spock that I've ever read. 130 chapters and I still find myself looking for more... Thank you for this.

(Deleted comment)
Wow. Thanks for both comments. And thanks for the offer to edit--I really appreciate it, but someone's already doing that. They sent me a huge file of typos I missed the first time... I haven't corrected the chapters yet, because going over 210K words is kind of daunting. Writing everything is fine. It's going over it again with a fine tooth comb that gets to me (though I do reread and revise before I post things. Ch 129 went through three drafts before I decided it was post worthy).

I'm glad you love the science. One of the goals I had in writing this fic was not only to make the science believable, but make it interesting, comprehensible, and maybe inspire people to learn a little more about it. I love science and mathematics, and the fact that few people seem to see the beauty of it (particularly in maths) has always upset me.

Anyway, thanks very much. I hope to be posting a slew of chapters soon.

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