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Fic: Observations, Ch 9
Star Trek

It is just as I have suspected. The captain has been plotting.

“Spock! Just the person I was looking for.”

“Indeed, captain?”

“Yup. I need some help with this drill I’ve been cooking up. And don’t argue with me about this one, I’m going to do it,” he smiled widely. “I just need you and a couple other of the officers to help me plan and coordinate.”

“Exactly what are you planning on doing, captain,” an edge of wariness crept into my voice.

“Running a bunch of emergency simulations, of course.”

Of course.

The captain is obsessed with no-win situations. He has assigned each department head to create an emergency scenario according to the parameters he set forth, which in turn are based on historical accidents that incapacitated or resulted in the destruction of a starship. These simulations will be executed some time during the 57 hour voyage to Starbase 19.

The list is as follows:


“I’ll be on the bridge when all this shit goes down. We’ll see how the officers react to it all.”

“Captain, will these drills be scheduled to occur simultaneously?”


Dr. McCoy sputtered.

“Don’t look at me like that, Spock.”

Dr. McCoy still had not recovered his powers of speech.

“You are the captain of this ship.”

“Damn straight. And you’re going to help me pull this off,” the captain pointed at me. Brief Lt. Sulu and Lt. Chekov about all this later. I want them to help me monitor things and collect necessary data. The Russian whizkid should be able to come up with some crazy solution.”


“Chief Giotto, we’re going to be doing some military maneuvers. The goal—control of the ship through auxiliary controls. I want three teams. We’ll have the regular guard on duty, one team trying to infiltrate, and another responding to intruder alerts.”

“Did you have anyone in mind for the attack team, sir?”

“No, I’ll leave that up to you. They’re the only ones that should be briefed that this is a drill.”

“Understood, sir.”

The captain suddenly grinned. “And afterwards, how about a game of capture the flag? Or ship-wide laser tag? Or maybe we could rig up some equipment and play paintball.”

“I’m sure they would be up for it, sir.”

“Paintball, Jim? Paintball? On a starship? Are you out of your goddamn mind?”

“It’d be fun, Bones.”

“Shut up. Don’t expect me to patch up your paint-splattered ass after you get smashed up by your own security guys.”

Weapons systems

“Captain, you cannot seriously be suggesting that we alter with the weapons systems.”

“Anything’s game, Spock. The U.S.S. Akhenaten lost half her crew to a weapons malfunction. That’s not going to happen on my ship.

“I am familiar with the files of the U.S.S. Akhenaten, and the weapons systems it carried were technologically inferior to the systems on the Enterprise in 67 aspects. The malfunctions of that ship were thoroughly studied and the weapons engineers at Starfleet have ensured that such an egregious error will not take place again.”

“That’s great, now I know those particular malfunctions won’t happen. Doesn’t mean that others won’t.”


“Commander, I need my crew to be practiced and ready to handle anything. We might be going meeting up with some Romulans soon, if Starfleet has anything to say about it. This is important.” The captain turned to his chief engineer. Scotty?”

Aye, captain?”

“I’m making this one up to you. Be creative, but don’t get anyone killed. I’m not trying to test the phasers, just the crew.”

“Aye, captain. I could modify some of the couplings so that it overheats. It’s a simple malfunction, happens enough that the lads and ladies should know how t’ handle it.”

“And no dying.”


“Scotty,” the captain warned.

“I’ll rig up a back-up safety, in case they don’t fix it in time.”


Computer systems

“Captain, do you have any reason to believe that the computer systems of the Enterprise will come under a malicious attack?”

“Everything has a weakness, Spock. I want you to find it, exploit it, hack in, plant a worm.”

“I have personally seen to it that the computers on board are secure.”

“And I have no doubt of that. Who better to take down security than the person who created it?”

Since you are familiar with the infrastructure of my systems, having already successfully hacked the Kobayashi Maru, perhaps it would be better if you engineered the attack, captain.”

“What about you, what’ll you do?”

“Maintain the integrity of my systems, of course.”

The captain laughed.

“That sounds tempting, really it does, getting my ass handed to me by a computer genius while the rest of the ship is also falling to pieces. I’ll pass on that offer. For now.” He winked.

I believe the phrase is, ‘when in Rome.’

Do you also wish me to place safeguards, should the team be unsuccessful?”

“Of course. And make sure you back up our memory banks, and Uhura, send all the most recent information to Starfleet. I don’t want to lose anything accidentally because of this.”


I was going to try and plan some kind of lab accident, like a fume hood failing or something catching on fire. But, I’m going to pass on this one. We need all that scientific equipment in there.”

“Thank God for small mercies,” Dr. McCoy muttered.

I found myself agreeing with the sentiment.


“No. There is no way I’m going to willingly infect anyone with anything.”

“Hey, you had no problem sticking a hypo in my neck to get me on the Enterprise.”

“That was because you would have found a way to get into space anyway, probably killed yourself in the process, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. Hell, I think I should just sedate you right now instead, so we don’t have to think about this insane idea at all!”

“Okay, I’m getting really tired of all my officers opposing my ideas. I have a reason for wanting to do this Bones. No one is going to get killed, no one is getting permanently hurt—“

“Jim, you do not treat people like they’re some guinea pig in a giant experiment, which is how you’re looking at this right now.”

“Doctor, the captain has deemed these experiments as necessary. He requires data on the performance of your medical staff, and since the primary purpose of your department is to look after the health of the crewmembers, it is logical that a certain percentage of the crewmembers must be subjected to some stresses or illness, thus providing the appropriate material upon which your aides may work.”

“Damn you, you green-blooded pointy-ear—“

“Bones,” the captain said sharply.

The captain and the chief medical officer shared a look.

Dr. McCoy scowled. “You haven’t heard the end of this, Jim.”

The captain nodded. “I know.”


“Captain!” engineer Scott said, aghast. “Yeh can’t ask me t’ do that!”

“I love this ship as much as you do, and no, I’m not asking, I’m ordering you to do this. I’m not messing with the shit that might actually blow us up or throw us into another dimension. Just the circuitry, Scotty, not the engines, not the antimatter pods, not the dilithium crystals. Enough havoc in the circuits to create some major confusion.”

“You’re bloody mad, that’s what yeh are! I won’t do it, sir, not to this silver lady.”

“Lt. Scott, we are all agreed that this undertaking of the captain's is not entirely borne of a sane mind. However, his reasons for doing so are marginally sound, and the data obtained from these drills would be of great assistance in improving our efficiency. Moreover, the crew will learn that they must always be prepared, to ‘expect the unexpected.’”

“Mr. Spock—!”

“Do it, Scotty. I need to see how your engineers handle things when you’re not there.”


“I want you to limit the communications scanning tools to some less modern stuff, or maybe just increase the noise to signal ratio. Make it harder for them to pick up signals, and test their ability to accurately decode and interpret the message. And Lt. Uhura, I swear, if you as so much say a word against—“

“Your plan sounds acceptable, captain.”

“Wait, what? So you’re okay with it?”


“You’re screwing with me, aren’t you.”

“No. I’ve actually wanted to test the abilities of the other officers for a while now. I would have preferred to give them exams, but this is an tolerable substitute.

“Okay. Right. Then I guess Spock or Scotty can help you with setting it all up.”

“I’ve got it under control. Sir.”

Ship wide

“I’m going to throw in a wild card. It may or may not happen while everything else is going on. But just putting it out there, so be prepared for anything.”

“Oh, and you have eight hours to get your shit together.”

Given that this is James T. Kirk, “anything” literally signifies all possibilities. Unfortunately, I was unable to convince the captain to divulge further, so that our chances of emerging from the experience unscathed might be increased.

Why do I think that these drills will prove to be some of the less eventful happenings aboard this ship?

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Okay, I remember this little arc, and I loved it then as I love it now. It's too exciting for me to stop and leave any kind of review, so I'm about to click on to the next chapter. I'll say one thing here before I do, though: FABULOUS setup. Absolute mastery of everyone's voice, and amazing characterization. As always. :-)

Sigh, Kirk is brilliant and idiotic at the same time. You have the character down really well.

incoherent comment is incoherent


This is an awesome story so far! You have the character voices spot on.

I wanted to point out a few typos though.

“I’m making this one up to you. Be creative, but don’t get anyone killed. I’m not trying to test the phasers, just the crew.”

should be "i'm leaving this one up to you."

“No. I’ve actually wanted to test the abilities of the other officers for a while now. I would have preferred to give them exams, but this is an tolerable substitute.”

should be "this is a tolerable substitute."

Thanks. I don't know if you read one of the earlier replies I made to a comment, but someone went through and compiled a list of errors. As soon as I have the time, I'll go through and correct everything. But your reply is much appreciated--I certainly would not mind getting another file of errors, as it's possible the other reader missed some.

The energy here is PALATABLE. It crackles - and I love the way that Kirk knows what he wants and just goes around the ship issuing orders. This is Captain!Kirk and I've always enjoyed seeing Kirk be a captain
YOU know I just realized something - I usually hate first person POV but for some reason, reading this, I don't even notice Spock is in first person, it just flows so well... hmm just thought to let you know

I loved that Kirk told Bones to shut up on the "green blooded hobgoblin" routine. I like that you pointed out how racist this is, and have Kirk actually doing something about it. I always hated how in TOS Bones would go on and on about Spock's physiology and stuff. Good God, HE'S BORN THAT WAY!

This whole chapter was so full of energy! It got me pumped for action :D

I love that once Spock is aboard with the plan, however foolish he believes it to be, he helps Kirk sway the other officers with logical arguments in favor of the drills. It shows how far they've come already from those first few chapters.

Jim is a perfectionist!!!

Spock must be in love already!

I just found this series and have been happily reading along, but I wanted to drop a note that the idea of Jim playing paintball with security is made of unbelievable WIN. *S*

Ok-have been reading all along but have been too curious to press the review button as I wanna know what happens next! Good plot and you have all of them as IC as I can see this actually happening in my head very easily. You have very cinematic writing!

When I read this line, "Why do I think that these drills will prove to be some of the less eventful happenings aboard this ship?" I kind of mentally pictured Spock saying this with amused exasperation.

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