anon_j_anon (anon_j_anon) wrote,


Trying to trace
back and back and back
the root of this

When I went to New York
to find myself
like so many people go to do

This isn’t what I had in mind.

I imagined it
somehow different, but tracing
back, could it be?

Staring at people I shouldn’t
stare at. Wanting—
there was a point when I took a vow

of celibacy. Turned off my sex drive.

My sister told me
last night, we were up late,
she’d been worried.

“You were miserable. You were
so unhappy, I started
questioning God. Why would He do that?”

Why would he do that.

I feel like I’ve been blindsided by this.

I’m usually so self-aware.

Which is why I’m
trying to trace back and back
the origins, the seed

You see, I’m not completely homosexual
in the spectrum
I’m more homo than bi, but the point is

I could, if I tried very hard, appear hetero.

I tried very hard
it never occurred to me
I could be gay

I loved Hedwig and the Angry Inch
saw Brokeback Mountain
listened to Rent, created a mix CD called “homo”

But so did a lot of people.

There’s a
sexual revolution happening
here and now

People I knew in school keep
coming out, and out
and people speculate about who’s fake

Who’s fake? How can you—what does that even mean?

I get the feeling
It’s hip to be bi/pan/omni/homo/metro
everything except hetero

So how do I know this is real? I can point
to boys and girls that
I’ve liked and give arguments for both

Because of my history, or lack thereof.

Acknowledging desires
After a few years of self suppression
is fucking terrifying

Before celibacy I went through an
asexual phase
because the opposite didn’t appeal to me

I didn’t think to consider alternatives.

I’m serious.

It never occurred to me that I could be gay.

And apparently
celibacy made me miserable
I didn’t know

I must’ve gotten used to it
That’s my point
I got used to wearing blinders

Sometimes it amazes me that the idea of homosexuality exists at all.

That it survived
the constant press of societal perceptions
expectations, indoctrinations

Another time, another place and I wouldn’t have
considered, no idea
I would have forced myself to be

Because I could, if I tried very hard.

How constructed
are our attractions to people?
how biological?

What are the mechanisms of desire?
What is the point of sex?
What are relationships really about?

Celibacy messes you up. You get used to it.

All the pent up
sexual energy gets diverted elsewhere
it finds places to go

Add this to a score of other issues and
tell me, what is
sex/uality/ual orientation about?

What is this sexual revolution about?

Is it about identity?
Is it about being human, some form self discovery?
Is it about religion?

Is it about biology, psychology, names or heteronormativity?
Is it about rebellion?
Or tolerance, or bigotry, or prejudice, or society?

Why should this make me question almost everything about myself?

Why shouldn’t it?
At the end of the day, what does this mean to me?
Is it about happiness?

Is it about love? Is it about finding myself
finding a place in society
or simply finding a place at all?

I could, if I tried very hard, make myself conform.

Is it about being able
look in the mirror and love what I see there and know
others value it as well?

In an ideal world, would we simply accept each other?
Or would everyone face
a similar question on the meaning of personhood?

Is this about equal rights, marriage and family?

What does that mean when
rights, marriage, and family can and have been
defined, redefined, reredefined?

Should we go back to prehistory and make
anthropological studies
about the structure of society and its origins?

I’m trying to trace back the root of this.

When I went
to New York to find myself
I didn’t know

It never occurred to me there was
a wave slowly building
our cultural revolution on its way

I’ve studied cultural revolutions. Ours looks different.

And the same
but still different. For one thing we have
the internet

Direct on-demand HD TV
fast music and fast fashion

A world of instant news, messaging, mail, everything.
But can someone please tell me
What this revolution is about.

I feel like I’ve been blindsided
I’m usually very self-aware
And I could, if I tried very hard, appear to be

Whatever you want me to be.

This isn’t what I had in mind
when I went to New York
to find myself

Perhaps my revolution is simply
To learn to look in the mirror

And love what I find there.

Tags: writing

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